Life Sucks

2011-01-15T14:24:00.001-08:00

Ugh... I tell you one thing, I married his ass because he stopped acting selfish and was actually helping out without me even asking. I didn't fuckin marry him for shit to go back to being like this. This is NOT how I want to spend the rest of my damn life and if it's gonna be this way then I might as well fucking leave cause I refuse to do this shit and live my damn life being unhappy!

2010-12-24T22:01:00.001-08:00

I kind of feel bad that all this is on my mind with his birthday being literally minutes away but it just that the more time that goes by with things staying the same the worse I feel. And with him having all these days off I know it's going to feel like he might as well be at work. The shit is DEPRESSING!!! What happened? What did I do wrong?? I feel like shit is broken I'm a sense and I don't know how to fix it.

2010-12-24T21:35:00.001-08:00

I also am tired of him not showing me affection except for when I'm mad or he wants some. Like why is it if we're watching a movie he sits on whatever couch I'm NOT sitting on. It didn't used to be like that. We used to cuddle a lot and now that's like non existent. I don't know... I'm just feeling like crap right now...

2010-12-24T13:15:00.001-08:00

I'm sick of feeling lonely and tired of having to do everything myself. Sometimes I just want to run away. The messed up thing is, I think he wouldn't miss me at all and still wouldn't appreciate me.

2010-12-24T13:08:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I feel so unimportant. It's like he doesn't care about how I feel or what I have to say. He doesn't really try to spend much time with me and doesn't act like he appreciates everything I do. I miss the feeling of being loved and having someone that is in love with me. I'm starting to feel more and more depressed some days....

2010-11-27T14:57:00.001-08:00

I'm so tired of everything. I love my kids and I love my husband but they are all ungrateful and don't give a damn about shit but themselves and their belongings.

2010-11-27T13:33:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I just wanna run away. I think maybe if I disappear for awhile maybe then they'll all appreciate me... Or maybe they won't even miss me.

2010-11-12T20:49:00.001-08:00

I'm so frustrated. I haven't had an orgasm in like two or three weeks. One thing that drives me freaking crazy about my husband is that he has the sex drive of a fuckin corpse. It makes no damn sense but he is fine doing it 3 or 4 times a month. I on the other hand would be much happier with 3 or 4 times a week. The sex itself isn't 100% the absolute best I've ever had but it's pretty damn good. If we were getting down more often it could be so much better though. When he finally does decide he wants to do anything I'm at a point where I'm not doing it for the enjoyment, I'm doing it to get what I need because I'm overdue. If I didn't have to wait so damn long all the time I'd be more focused on trying other things rather than just trying to get my biweekly orgasm. He agreed before to twice a week, (reasonable right?) but somehow it translated into every two weeks. I can't take it! And now here he is laying next to me knocked out and all I want to do is punch him in the throat and tell him eat my damn pussy until I cum. Or fuck me til I do. Shit I don't care how I get it, I just wanna get off. But whatever, not really much i can do about it.

2010-11-11T10:33:00.001-08:00

So my husbands sister asked me to keep her kid for the week after Christmas until the third of January because apparently the daycare is closed. I told her I'd think about it and I did and decided hell no! The more I thought about it the crazier it sounded. (beware, foul language about to be used) is she fuckin crazy? First off, her son is only a couple of months older than my youngest. That means I'd have the three big kids, a two year old, and TWO kids under the age of 1. How in the fuck does she expect me to manage that for an entire week? It's not like her brother would help when he gets home from work. He already said that it's not his problem. And who in their right fucking mind sends their kid that young out of state for a damn week to stay with someone that the baby has only seen once? That shit isn't normal. And what if something happened? I live out in the middle of nowhere and when he's at work I'm here with no vehicle unless I drop him off (which isn't often cause that results in me getting up at 4:30 am). On top of that, I wouldn't be able to fit us all plus another car seat into the car. Which would mean we're stuck at home no matter what. No taking the kids anywhere that entire week. Fuck that, I'm taking my husbands approach, it's not my problem. She had the baby she needs to do what the rest of us mothers do and deal with it instead of sending him away for a week. If he were older like over the age of 3 or 4, it wouldn't be an issue but a baby.... She's asking for waaaaay too much!

2010-11-08T19:45:00.001-08:00

I really can't stand incompetent people. I called AT&T to get a billing issue resolved. I got so frustrated because no matter how many different ways I explained the problem he just didn't understand. I think he got so frustrated or sensed my level of frustration and just credited my account. Whatever though, I could care less whether or not he understood as long as it's fixed.
Jon found out Wrestle Mania will be in atl next year so I'm going to try my best to get tickets for him and the boys to go. I know they'd really enjoy it and I think they need some guy time. Everything we do tends to be neutral because of the one girl we have. Poor Kira, stuck with four brothers. Nobody to play dolls or dress up with. I'm surprised that with four brothers she's not more tomboyish. She's more girly than I ever was or will be.

2010-11-07T18:49:00.001-08:00

I'm sitting here at home bored out of my mind. We live out in the country and there's no cable only satellite so I can't watch t.v. We do have netflix though so we watch A LOT of movies. I have nothing to watch right now though. Jon is playing golf or something on his phone and I'm just sitting here on the couch with Caleb in my lap. For some reason the internet on our phones isn't working right now and hasn't been for the last few hours. I wish we could play cards or something but Jon would rather play on his damn phone or his xbox. It's really frustrating at times. The only thing we really do together is watch movies. Outside of that we do things with the kids and that's it. We don't do anything just him and I. I get lonely sometimes. I'm not working right now and am at home most days with JJ and Caleb. I really don't get enough adult interaction and it wouldn't be such a big deal if we played some cards or dominos or just anything that resulted in more communication every now and then. But knowing him, me saying something to him won't make any difference. So I just don't bother saying anything as my sanity slowly deteriorates.

2010-11-07T07:45:00.001-08:00

So I decided that I'm going to start blogging again. I just need a place to vent from time to time and I really just like to write random thoughts sometimes. It really is a good way to relieve stress and sort things out. I did delete all of my past posts though. I wanted to start over fresh because I'm not the same person I was a few years ago. I don't know that person anymore and don't care to. I'm happy, stronger, and more stable than she was. Let's see, the basics: I'm about to be 29 in a couple of weeks (not looking forward to that), I'm divorced but have a pretty good relationship with my ex husband. I'm remarried to a man that drives me freaking nuts sometimes but I love him, and I have 5, yes FIVE kids that are beautiful, intelligent, little people. They range in age from 2 months to 11 years. So yeah, I have a pretty busy life but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. That's it for now though, it's Sunday morning and I have a lot today before the day ends.